After five decades of life, I’m quite certain there are alien beings among us. I’ve personally never seen them, but that’s why I’m so convinced they are here. Any life form advanced enough to be here, most likely having arrived from a distant galaxy, is certainly clever enough to do so without being recognized.

We’ve sort of captured their space vehicles photographically through the years. Although we never seem to get an in-focus shot or one that isn’t shrouded by clouds or haze. They probably have some sort of cloaking or disrupter signals.

It’s also odd that they never seem to travel in the same type of space vehicle. Sometimes, per those fuzzy photos, they prefer the cylindrical transports, while other times they opt for the saucer-like ships. Still, other times they choose the brightly-lit ships that appear to have no outline, just a blur of light. I’ve concluded this is all part of their camouflage. Mix it up. Keep us guessing, then we’ll be less suspicious.

But the most convincing proof that aliens are among us is borne out in the more mundane activities that we each encounter every day. As smart as these aliens are, they still have not fully adopted, accepted, or understood our societal norms.

For instance, the empty toilet paper dispenser in a public bathroom is a classic sign of alien activity. No mortal would use up the last of the toilet paper and be so lazy not to replace it with a new roll. Aliens will sometimes make the effort to balance a new roll on top of the dispenser spindle, but they haven’t mastered the art of inserting a roll on the spindle. They also get a giggle by tossing their used paper towels to the outside of the garbage can. Weird creatures.

Aliens also park their vehicles at odd angles in parking stalls or they park incredibly close to the vehicle next to them. Again, I’ve never seen it captured, but I suspect they are shapeshifters and can slither in and out of tight spaces.

The aliens who smoke, yes, they also smoke, freely toss their cigarette butts onto the shoulder of our roads when sitting at traffic stops. You’d think by now an advanced life form would have recognized the dangers of both smoking and polluting the planet with excess debris. But alas, they are simply visitors here. The health of our planet is not their concern.

Aliens are also quick to abandon the copy machine after they have used up the last sheet of paper. Again, alien humor escapes me, but we’ve all encountered that situation, which is further proof of just how extensive this alien presence is in our society. Hundreds of copy machines a day are the source of alien humor.

When they ride their bikes, they also routinely ignore traffic signals, plowing through red lights and expecting we humans to ensure they don’t get clipped by one of our large automobiles. Transporters seem like a better option.

Aliens also talk excessively loud on their phones when in public settings, which likely has something to do with the exoskeletal shell that encases their true form, thus muffling sounds to their auditory organs. They care not about those around them as they blather on.

Although aliens may know how to fly spacecraft, they know little about driving on our highways, especially when it comes to merging. Again, this is probably one of the most obvious signs of their presence among us. There is no other explanation for the number of vehicles and drivers on our roads that simply do not understand how to merge nor do they know how to use turn signals. In space, there is no up or down, just openness. Signals matter not to them.

So fear not, humans. Aliens are here. They are likely in your office, at your school, shopping at your grocery store, perhaps even in your home.

They are most certainly real, otherwise everything outlined here today cannot be attributed to these unusual creatures. And then where does that leave us? —Keith Anderson is director of news for APG of East Central Minnesota.

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